If I Were Gay
by Corporal Katz
Summary: Kenny and Kyle have a bit too much to drink one night, and random stupidity occurs... [Song fic]


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A/N: This very short fic is my very first attempt *ever* at humour. I don't think I did it very well, but can you blame a girl for trying? I had to get away from all that angsty, depressing shit I've been churning out lately. So please be kind, *puppy eyes* please? Also, it's slashy – y'know – M/M stuff. But before you run off screaming into the night be aware that alcohol is involved… yes, things get out of hand… Heh-heh-heh… Okay, lastly this is a song fic. The song I'm using is called, "If I Were Gay" by Stephen Lynch. This fic was inspired by a fanfic in the "Charles Dickens" category. I e-mailed the author for her permission to use similar ideas and the same song that are used in her fic, for this one, and she kindly said I could do so – Our stories, though, are different. Okay enough said enjoy! ^^

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Disclaimer: The characters within this story belong to Trey Parker and Matt Stone, FOX, blah blah blah.

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"If I Were Gay" belongs to _Stephen Lynch._

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Knock! Knock! Knock!

"About fucking time!"

"Hey, dude."

It was a Friday evening, and Kyle had been waiting for over an hour for Kenny. He sat, annoyed in his lounge room, in his empty house waiting for the boy to arrive. His parents and younger brother had gone out for the weekend, leaving Kyle alone for two days. Two days ago, Kenny asked Kyle if he could help him with his studying. He was failing history. Badly. And since Kyle was one of the smartest kids in their year he begged the boy to tutor him for the end of year exam, which was due in a few weeks. Kyle grudgingly agreed to help. He knew that if Kenny failed another class, he'd have to repeat his senior year. 

A terrifying thought for any kid so close to finishing his or hers final year. 

Kenny stood on the front door stoop with a stupid lopsided grin. His long tangled blond hair looked like it hadn't been combed in two weeks and his long-sleeved black t-shirt and jeans had various holes and rips.

"So, where the hell have you been? I've been waiting for over an hour!" Kyle glared at the black- clad teen. Kenny just grinned again, which pissed Kyle off even more.

"What? You said come at eight. So I did. Don't get your panties in a bunch, dude," Kenny laughed. Kyle was a perfectionist, a neat freak, and hated tardiness – all of which Kenny seemed to be the opposite of. 

"I said come at seven – And don't be _late_!" 

The lanky blond just shrugged. "Oh well, whatever. I'm here now." He paused. "Um, are you gonna let me in, or are we gonna study out here on the porch?" 

Kyle took an irritated step back. It was going to be one very _long_ evening. Kenny McCormick was one of the most annoying people he knew. It wasn't that he disliked Kenny, Kenny was one of his best and closest friends – It was just that he took things too casually, and was rarely serious about life. Was he always like that when they were young? Kyle couldn't remember – or care at this stage because he just wanted to get this over and done with so he could finish his English assignment. 

"Come on, Mom and Dad aren't home, and Ike is over a friends house. We can study in either the kitchen or my room. I don't really care," said Kyle.

"Your room," Kenny said a bit too quickly. Kyle just shrugged. "Whatever."

Following Kyle up the stairs and into the redheads' bedroom, Kenny casually threw himself onto the bed and sprawled across it. The smaller boy sighed irritably trying to ignore the muddy snow that fell off the blonds' black Converse's in slushy brown chunks. 

"C'mon, get your shit out and tell me where you're up to," said Kyle, sitting down on his swivel chair at his desk.

Three hours later, the two hadn't gotten very far. Kenny was hardly paying attention. His eyelids kept drooping as he yawned behind his textbook. 

"Okay, what year did the Korean War start, and finish?" Kyle asked, reading from a sheet of paper with key-facts written in his neat handwriting.

He waited a long moment for his friend to answer, but Kenny was now too busy staring at a photo of Kyle and his girlfriend that was tacked to a cork message board, to hear the question. He had a weird expression on his face.

The redhead sighed again, this time in annoyance, and slammed his History textbook down hard on his desk. 

Kenny jumped in his seat. "GAAH!! Dude, don't _do_ that, you scared the shit outta me!" 

"You weren't paying attention! Listen, we aren't getting far and you're not concentrating. We might as well end the tutoring tonight. I'm tired." 

"No!" Kenny said quickly, "I think we just need to take a break. I'm not used to studying for long periods of time." Kyle sighed. _I could do with a five-minute break_, he thought, rubbing his eyes. 

"Okay. You want a drink? We've got Dr Pepper or Orange Juice." 

"Well…" Kenny said slowly, his stupid grin once again returning. "I've already got something."

"Yeah, what?" the shorter boy asked. His eyes widened when Kenny opened his orange backpack and pulled out a full bottle of Jack Daniel's.

"Dude, is that whisky?!"

"Yup," Kenny simply answered. "You want some?" He offered the bottle to his friend. Kyle pushed it back.

"You can't drink that here, my Mom will kill me if she finds out!" 

Kenny just laughed and took a drink. "Don't be such a pussy, Kyle. Your parents aren't gonna be back until Sunday. What's the harm?"

"What's the _harm_?!" Kyle echoed furiously, clenching his fists. His copper-brown eyes flared. "The last time you pulled alcohol out of a backpack, it was at Stan's 16th. I woke up the next morning in bed naked, with a major hangover, and Butters' arm around my fucking waist! – I haven't been able to look Butters in the eye for over a year! Who the fuck knows what the fuck we did!" 

"…Heh, fuck is right," Kenny laughed. He then ducked quickly, narrowly avoiding the thick textbook that Kyle aimed at his head.

"Aw, c'mon dude," Kenny grinned. "You could have done worse – Cartman was at the party too." The redhead wrinkled his nose in disgust and turned his back on the blond.

"Ugh, you're such a disgusting asshole, Kenny."

"Heh-heh, you won't get drunk. I promise!" 

"No. Fuck you and your bullshit peer-pressure, Kenny." 

"Don't be such a Momma's boy!" Kyle swivelled back around in his chair and glared. 

"I am not!"

"Are too." Kenny paused, looking Kyle up and down, and smirked. "I love the jumper," he said sarcastically. "Where'd you get it from?"

"My Mom knitted it for -" Kyle stopped himself short, and groaned inwardly. _Oh fuck me, he's right…_

"Gimme that!" Kyle snatched the bottle from Kenny's hand and took a large gulp.

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Here we are

Dear old friend

You and I

Drunk again

Less than two hours later found the boys slightly (if you can call blind drunk slightly. So much for promises) intoxicated. The bottle that they had been drinking from was nearly empty.

"He… hey Kyaaallll!!" Kenny slurred. The boy was still sprawled out on Kyle's bed, but he somehow managed to sit himself up (after three attempts), and patted the space next to him. 

"Yuh?" Kyle giggled and hiccupped. The redhead was now perched up on his desk. 

"Come sit next to me."

Kyle giggled drunkenly. "Okay, Kenny-pooh." He awkwardly slid off his desk, bringing down half of his forgotten school work, books, and open pencil case with him. He giggled wildly at the mess for a moment, and started making his way across the room, swaying three steps to the left, then two steps to the right before plopping himself down heavily next to Kenny. 

"Dude," Kenny said, looking at Kyle with some sort of wild amusement. "You called me "pooh"." 

"I did?" Kyle's eyes widened. "Hee-hee-hee-hee! Cool…" Another lot of stupid drunken giggles escaped his lips. 

"Hey Kyle…" Kenny placed a hand unexpectedly on the boy's upper right thigh. Kyle looked down at the hand in an alcoholic haze. "Your leg is soooo pretty…"

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Laughs have been had

And tears have been shed

Maybe the whisky

Has gone to my head

Somehow, through the depths of his intoxicated brain, Kyle noticed something… Odd.

"Uh, Kenny, your hand is on my leg."

"I know," said Kenny. "It's nice and pretty and soft."

"Uh… thanks?" Kyle was slightly confused. What was Kenny doing?

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But if I were gay

I would give you my heart

And if I were gay

You'd be my work of art

Kenny now had his hand resting comfortably on Kyle's inner thigh. He hiccupped and started to creepy-crawl his fingers across his friends' lap. Kyle pushed it away.

"No, Kenny." Kenny just laughed.

"But your leg is soooo… Nice!" he replaced his hand in it's previous location, squeezing the leg softly. 

"And you're nice, too, Kyle." The blond hiccupped again. "Very nice." He tried to take another drink from the whisky bottle, but he missed his mouth and the liquid poured over his shoulder and down his back, dribbling onto Kyle's crumpled up bed coverings. "Oops."

Ignoring his back, Kenny moved his hand again. "Sooo, sooooo soft…"

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And If I were gay

We'd swim in romance

But I'm not gay

So get your hands out of my pants!

Once again, Kenny's fingers started moving, and they somehow managed to find their way to the front of Kyle's baggy jeans without him noticing. His brow knitted in drunken concentration trying to unzip the zipper. Eventually Kyle caught on and slapped the hand.

"_No_, Kenny, those are out of bounds."

"But I only want to try them on!" Kenny protested. His eyes told Kyle otherwise.

"No you don't, you just want to get _into_ them," Kyle slurred. He looked back at the boy in half anger, half confusion. Why was there three Kenny's?

Kenny pouted sorrowfully, but then his face lit up suddenly. "I think I love you." He nodded, "Yup."

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It's not that I don't care

I do

I just don't see myself

In you

"Love me?" The redhead raised his red eyebrows. "But you're a _boy_, and I'm a _boy_. Boy's aren't supposed to love other _boys_, stupid."

"But Pip's a boy, and Butters is a boy, and they love each other!" Kenny whined. His hand started playing with Kyle's front zipper again. Kyle once again slapped it away.

"Nooo… Pip's a girl; he has long hair. And he wears pink panties! I saw them once in the changing room at school.

"Really?"

"Yup. They had white lace."

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Another time

Another scene

I'd be right behind you

If you know what I mean…

Kyle spotted the almost empty whisky bottle on the bedroom floor from when Kenny dropped it before. He decided he needed another drink, and bent down to retrieve it. But he howled and shot straight up and moment later when he felt his ass being slapped hard.

"**OW**! What the f… fuck was that for you sh… shit head! Kyle slurred. His tongue didn't do a very good job of keeping the loose saliva from spraying all over the blond boy, who merely grinned stupidly.

"You have a nice ass."

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And if I were gay

I would give you my soul

And if I were gay

I would give you my whole (being)

"…Er, thanks?" 

"Can I have it?"

"**_No!_**"

"Why not?"

"Coz."

"Coz, why?"

Coz I'm not _gay_!"

"So?"

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And if I were gay

We would tear down the walls

But I'm not gay

So won't you stop cupping my balls?"

By this stage, it was after one in the morning. Kyle's eyelids started drooping once again. But this didn't stop the black clad blond. When Kyle was in the middle of a yawn, Kenny slipped his hand inside Kyle's pants uninvited and started feeling around. 

Kyle choked, and squeaked. "Hands off the merchandise!" he slapped the hand hard, which unfortunately applied more pressure to the area than he expected. The pleasant feeling that came from this unnerved him, but he didn't say anything. 

"Sorry," Kenny giggled non-stop and removed said slapped hand.

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We've never hugged

We've never kissed

I've never been intimate

With your fist

It was when Kyle started seeing four Kenny's, three bedroom doors and two rooms spinning, that he decided he needed to take a little nap. The problem was, the bedroom light was on and strangely enough, it started irritating his eyes.

"Dude," Kyle murmured, trying his best to stand on his feet. "Help me up, I've gotta… gotta turn off the light thingy.

"Sure, cutie," Kenny said. He swayed a little as he stood up and tried to help Kyle. Grabbing Kyle's right arm in his left hand, Kenny accidentally pulled the boy forward a little too hard and the both of them stumbled back, falling on top of each other on the bedroom floor. Kenny burst out laughing. 

"S'not funny!" Kyle grumbled.

"Is too!"

Kyle started getting pissed off, and he tried to get up but he fell forward on top of his friend again. Kenny laughed harder and pulled the boy down. He locked his lips to the other and started kissing sloppily. 

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You have opened

Brand new doors

Get over here

And drop your drawers!

By this time, both of the boys were too wasted to know what the hell was going on. The pair of them were rolling around on the floor kissing like there were no tomorrow, before they somehow managed to get back up onto the bed. They didn't get to complete _Mission: Turn Off That Damn Irritating Light_, but neither cared at this point when Kyle started removing Kenny's pants. 

"Hey, Ken-Ken," said Kyle, whose pants were flung somewhere across the messy room. 

"Yeah?" murmured Kenny. His pants were now non-existent (they were thrown out the window). 

"I get the strangest feeling I've done this before…"

"Yeah?"

"Yup… Hey! We should tutor together more often!"

"… Oh yes, I agree, Kylie," Kenny giggle-slurred. "Hows this time next week sound?"

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End file.
